Feminine spirit needs slowness and kindness, especially to self. However, in today's culture we find two main words circling the market- a. hustle and b. dating and these two words have driven women to be extremely critical with themselves. Women are pushing themselves to compete with men in random ways, being over stimulated and engaged in stuff that make them hyperventilate time to time. They find themselves pulled in all directions, ALL, and then there is no energy left to put into themselves, which is extremely important for mental well- being. Core values like softness is lost because now everyone wants to be like what a certain 'lifestyle' is being pushed in the social media algorithm.
In 2005, or the late 90s, we did not have half the things to be concerned with like we do now. We did not have the accessibility like we do now, Instagram was still an app where one uploaded videos and not a place where controversial takes pulled your attention, made you agitated and you became exhausted by overconsumption of social media. There was no bombarding of texts by random people neither back and forth messaging, or the need to know 'what is going on' everywhere. Nobody was even aware of controversial content. There was more space to think because you could pick and choose what you wanted to see. One of the reasons why I like Pinterest of all social media apps and I have always liked it even before I knew what 'its primary purpose was', as advocated by the aesthetic brigade. There was more space to BE and allow imagination. You could enjoy your home, close friends and indulge in activities that were an extension of your personality not because someone said it was 'productive'. Media had no role to play in telling you 'what your room should be like'. Femininity had room to thrive in such circumstances.
Just know that humans were meant to create and not consume and a reason why you are exhausted all the time is because you are consuming more than you are creating.
It is the need of the hour to understand that the mundane things we have labelled as 'not interesting' enough are actually necessary to regulate your nervous system (I offer coaching at subsidized rates about the same: anjashi.work@gmail.com) and doing things that are not necessarily cool by media standards is FINE. For example, sitting on the terrace and sun- bathing. Or maybe, enjoying a popsicle with a sibling or a dear friend. Even for yourself, when was the last time you watched a Netflix show without the pressure of keeping up?
The other point is about your phones being the death of femininity. If you are constantly anxious about what is on the phone, your notifications popping up or who has messages, you are injuring your femininity without even realising. The apps were not around during the late 90s or early 2000s. If you needed to use the computer you had to go to a cafe or a library to use the internet. In one of the DUNE movies, it has been said that human beings have limited cognitive abilities now because technology has dumbed them. Technology curtails your ability to create because everything is swift and you have no room to allow the thought process to flow naturally. We used to remember telephone numbers. And several of them. Why is our memory so short- term currently? Because you have a device that does the 'storing' for you.
Feminine women are highly sensitive so when there is a barrage of information popping up, your anxiety will reach a level unfathomable. You will get sucked into the 'drama' for no apparent reason and your brain does not know which direction of thought to adhere to. Your emotions could be utilised to create rather you spent all your time consuming content online that triggers emotions for things that have nothing to do with you. Look at the internet rage online. Or the kind of things people engage in, defending celebrities mindlessly-- people who do not even know of our existence. Whereas one could easily limit their social media activity to 25- 30 minutes maximum if not addicted to doom scrolling for a dopamine rush.
The numbness that develops after extensive phone usage hampers your ability to stay 'at one place'. Your energy is going out everywhere while you are swiping one reel after the other. You can hardly enjoy the 'process' of something you have decided to undertake as a hobby. People do not have hobbies anymore. There is no space nor time for that.
2000s had a family culture. We had a mall culture. There were more family outings, watching award shows or movies together. Now you have online shopping and there is no urge in anybody to actually going to a store and trying out something, makeup, clothes, or buying books after reading them on the aisle of the bookstore, collecting DVDs, or vinyl music, or even buying posters and stationery items. Online delivery services have reduced the joy of eating at a food court with people you feel most comfortable with because now you go out either because you have a date or it is something to do with your work (influencer work, to be precise). Eating or enjoying a meal has now become an activity only for social media.
Talking of eating out-- in the early 2000s, eating out was like a treat, not something you did everyday. Having a meal was a ritual. A sacred act. A family eating together is rarely seen nowadays. Because you have to put on a Netflix show to enjoy your food now.
Nourishing yourself is significant to develop femininity. The fascination for aesthetics for yourself cannot be duplicated. You don't have fridge magnets anymore because they do not 'go with the aesthetics' of the room. Rooms back then used to be extensions of one's personality, including the kitchen. You had more colours and not the Instagram formula propagated to encourage dullness and monochromic styles. There used to be crayon drawings of kids taped onto walls or some designated space in living rooms that made houses feel like homes.
Passion and money- making while being in your feminine has a lot more to do with what you really enjoy doing. The fast paced world has made you believe that you need to have X amount of things by the time you turn Y years of age and that makes you hustle like there is no tomorrow. Social media encourages more of this because you see people having holidays, doing random shopping hauls and over- consumerism just fills your feed in no time. All of that is not true. Some people have immense backing, and some are escorts, even men. Some people are in debts trying to keep up with that lifestyle. If you do something that has your needs met, know that it is alright. You do not have to bend your back to prove to people that you are successful by ABC standards. To each person, success and money mean different things than others. For me success is doing what I love and enjoying what I do. I am not driven by the monetary aspect of it and it is not like I am well- loaded from the beginning. I had to find my own way amidst several struggles in academic spaces, fighting sexism, bullying and the like. It was not easy but I realised that I cannot make someone else's definition of success be mine too. My definition of success took 10 years to find a stable ground. Money follows when you are authentically tied down to the work you enjoy doing. It might be a slow- start but you catch up in due course of time and there is nothing wrong with slow success.
Burning yourself out is a part of the hustle culture mentality. It is the same when seen in the aspect of relationships. The pressure of being in one because social media somehow has screwed our brains up by saying if you are pretty and single, there is something wrong with you. In the 90s, or the early 2000s, women did not engage in speed- dating or the hookup culture we now witness. They took their time to choose someone, hence then men did more than what men do today in order to court the lady they like. If you are too easy, there is no effort seen. It is as simple as that. Reflecting and pausing before getting romantically involved with someone was an unwritten rule.
Softness and sensitivity are not bad qualities but society labels these qualities as weak. As a woman, your softness can be immensely powerful because it would mean you put out an energy of being vulnerable and allowing help to come by. Trying to handle it all by yourself not only makes you into a control freak but the self- bashing happens more than it should. You become highly critical of yourself and making a mistake makes you feel like the world has ended.
Your soft, nurturing and kind self deserves as much respect as an overachieving, aggressive, overtly passionate person does. The period in retrospection had less shame attached to the general softness displayed by women-- meaning, it was more acceptable to be 'normal' and not competing with men for representation. And that happened because women were more unplugged and had space to exude value in various other ways and not just following a rule by the book. They had a personality of their own and no two people were the same. Instagram and other social media apps have labelled personalities as cool, cringe, desirable, wife-able, date-able, so on and so forth. And now everyone is confused about what is it exactly that they should be.
To conclude, feminine women are away from anything superficial. They are less stimulated. They redefine aspects of their own lives-- relationships, work, family-- in their own ways. They are not competing. They are collaborating to thrive and becoming the best version of themselves by just BEING.
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