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I WATCHED A FORMER LOVE INTEREST MARRY SOMEONE ELSE~ Liza Khan


It is one thing to not have someone love you back and then another to watch the same person get married to someone else because there is absolutely nothing you can do to make that person change his or her mind. It is also depressing after a while when you watch person after person get married and it is somehow just not one of the people who can give out wedding invitations. I have watched everyone of my 'potentials' get married and it did not take me long to figure out what the 'problem' was/ is.

When we are growing up we think we know what love is. The terms 'puppy love', 'high school romance', 'school sweetheart' are not uncommon. They mean certain things because they denote a phase that is quite unforgettable, talk about 'first love'. And that phase (s) stays with us. We hold on to the memories because it gave us a high and then brought us down immediately after the 'relationship' or the bond did not work out.

Why are we seeking love, though? Why do we think we need to perform to experience something that should be given freely without complications? To be chosen seems like a prize we won and when we are not, we think we are cursed. A lot of our subsequent behaviors are connected to what we experienced in the phase we thought was love. To burst your bubble, you cannot know love until you have known yourself. Unfortunately, this is a concept lost on most people.

Seeing someone you were close to marrying someone else and then watching them smiling throughout first causes your heart to rip out. You can reason out a hundred times that this person has X number of bad qualities but the heart wants what it wants. This is what you have to stop telling yourself. The heart only wants something because it hates being left behind. Read that again.

I had convinced myself that I would be married to the person aforementioned. However, I was missing something and in my soul, I knew I was settling for a lot less. When I had met this person, I was a meek and awkward kid who felt that having a good looking partner means it is a medal. Add to it, wealth and an influential background make you feel this is a prospect that cannot be ignored. As you watch yourself grow and the person as well, you realise you liked this person because you wanted him to like you back, and that is all that you wanted.

People who know me closely would predict my behavior seeing something so saddening as watching a love interest get married to someone else-- they would be surprised to see I was stable and AM stable even after all the shindig. My problem always was-- liking someone who wouldn't like me back for the most random reason ever. Like for this one, he did not like my guts. He hated my glow- up phase, the way I was healing, the kind of accomplishments credited to my name and the fact that he couldn't be a part of the highlights of my life. 

Because I know myself now, I realise what a mistake I had done in the past. I am telling you honestly with a hand on my heart, I am not the same person as before and my focus has finally turned to myself instead of looking for someone's approval. There was a moment in my life when I woke up thinking of him and went to bed crying into my pillow because he wouldn't love me. It was imbecilic, yes, but I don't hate that girl who was insistent on making this person change his mind about her. I was someone who thought being chosen decided my value and how desirable I was. It took me a while and understood it was never about his validation, it was MYSELF not giving myself enough credit for being the way I am. Not lovable, not desirable, not chosen-- so what? I am ME, and that is something to be proud of.

Marriage is of course the culmination of a relationship one is in and I believe in the institution despite the internet / online 6debates about the same. But when I see people choosing a partner based on what is 'convenient' I feel grateful that I am strong enough to stick by my ethics and principles when it comes to being with someone. I cannot lie to myself and be with a person for the sake of it. For example, I knew this guy was a horrible human being, he had no regard for people around him, was insanely stupid for his age and an opportunist of the highest degree (and now I have my doubts cleared because he wished to meet me after a couple of months of his marriage in PRIVATE)  yet I wanted to be with him. As if being with him would add a feather to my cap. I was making him the main character of my story. My OWN story. That is the level of self- esteem I had and I had promised to myself that I would never stoop that low ever in my life in case I found someone who I wanted to be with romantically.

I flipped through his photos, all of them-- the ones that were from the wedding, pre- wedding, post- wedding, yada yada. I did not feel sad. To those who ask if it is easy to forget people who meant something to you at one point in your life-- you can miss them but you may not be crippled by their loss. For me, I feel neither.
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